REQUIRED READING:
"The Complete Idiot's Guide to A Healthy Relationship"
I have been
reading the book "The Complete Idiot's Guide to A Healthy
Relationship" and it is very enlightening. I am so glad I am reading it...
It has helped me realize some things...
Signs of an
unhealthy relationship –
] You feel insecure and weak around each
other (and in your lives)
] You suffer from low self-esteem as a
result of what happens between you two
] You are dishonest with each other
] You spend more time feeling hurt than
feeling good about how you treat each other
] You find yourselves complaining to others
about your relationship
] You are unable to talk about your
feelings or problems with you mate, much less SOLVE THEM
] You are unable to resolve your
differences together
] You become unenthusiastic about life
because of what goes on between you
] Your trust is broken
] Seemingly small things erode your
relationship
] Priorities other than each other
constantly present themselves
] What goes on between you interferes with
other aspects of your lives
The author
states over and over that the number one, most important quality of a lasting
relationship (that others have said throughout her years of experience) is
HONESTY. Trust is essential. Everything else falls apart too, if trust is not
present in the relationship.
A healthy
relationship should have all of these qualities:
] Honesty
] Harmony: complementing qualities that
create a harmonious duet together
] Heart: nourishing each other
] Honor: holding each other in high esteem,
considering each otherÕs needs, respecting each other, believing in each
otherÕs souls and appreciating each other beyond the physical body
] Healing: a true love partner becomes a
HAVEN from the hurts of the past, while providing a new positive example of how
nurturing love can be
] Hot: a healthy sexual connection
] Empathy: being able to feel what each
other feels
] Equality: respecting the fact that YOU
BOTH COUNT
] Energetics: your interactions should feel
like well-oiled and perfectly fitting gears that work together
] Enthusiasm: excitement about being
together
] Empowerment: supporting each other to feel
effective
] Acceptance
] Accommodation: making adjustments for
each otherÕs needs
] Appreciation: being responsive and
grateful for each other
] Adaptability: being able to make changes
when necessary to improve your relationship
] Agreements: making and KEEPING agreements
is essential for trust in a relationship
] Love: cherishing each other and holding
one another dear. Love should be unconditional, meaning it does not waver
depending on what you look like, earn, DO OR SAY.
] Loyalty: DEVOTED UNQUESTIONINGLY TO EACH
OTHER, knowing you would not betray each other
] Listening: paying attention to what each
other says
] Laughter
] Lust
] Trust
] Talking
] Time together – WITHOUT DISTRACTION
] Tenderness: treating each other with
kindness
] Thoughtfulness: being understanding,
showing consideration in thoughts and deeds
Similar
lifestyle preferences, career and family priorities, ideas about child-rearing,
shared values, sexual energy and compatibility, honesty and mutual respect,
time spent together, shared view of life
Matched
self-ratings of attractiveness and social status, emotional stability,
agreeableness, likelihood of having healthier, more attractive offspring,
finances
Sometimes
you should agree to disagree
Healthy
love partners become MORE OF WHO THEY ARE with the other person. They realize
their potential.
Ever watch
or play baseball, or any team sport? The team members know where the other team
members are on the field. They look out for each other. They cover for each
other and rush in to pick up the slack if a teammate is out of action for some
reason. Each depends on the other to do his or her job well for the good of
all. TheyÕre even ready to beat up anyone who attacks one of their teammates.
IÕm not advocating violence, but I am recommending a fierce sense of loyalty
toward your partner. Think of you and your partner as a team, working in tandem
to reach a goal. Working toward a common goal facilitates closeness and helps
you better appreciate each otherÕs good qualities. The best goal of all is a
healthy and happy life together.
The ten commandments
of a healthy relationship:
1. I will do my best to be the happiest
person I can be.
2. I will be honest in my dealings with my
partner.
3. I will keep my agreements.
4. I will have integrity about my actions.
5. I will honor the person I am in a
relationship with.
6. I will practice forgiveness for myself
and others.
7. I will nurture my spiritual soul and that
of others.
8. I will accept others for who they are
without judging them or insisting they change to suit me.
9. I will be open to suggestions and change
when it is in the best interests for both of us.
10. I will trust in the powers that be that
what happens is for the best.
The 8
dimensions of new millenium health.
1. a sound, healthy body
2. a healthy mind
3. emotional health
4. the ability to extend your love to your
social environment (your extended family who nurture you)
5. having a healthy lifestyle
6. healthy sexuality
7. spiritual connection
8. technological connection
Any time
you protest that you donÕt have the love you want in your relationship,
consider how you create the blocks. Perhaps you are not really ready to receive
the love you say you want.
Arguments,
anger, and resentment fade from interefering with your love when you practice
compassion, the deepest empathy for one another.
The deepest
spiritual connection can happen when all other dimensions unite (physical,
mental, emotional, practical, social, sexual). Doing this is an exciting,
though challenging, journey that is best accomplished by a conscious practice
in the same way as practice and mental focus make you good at a particular
sport, playing a musical instrument, learning a new skill or hobby.
Maintaining
politeness fosters positive feelings in a couple, especially over the
long—term.
Definition
of cheating: If the INTENTION is there to have body contact with another
person, other than your partner, then the interaction is explicit, and the
energy was diverted from your partner makes the experience explicit.
Turn off
all machines, during your time together, signaling the sanctity of your time
together.
QUESTIONS:
How do I know I really love her? How can I be sure sheÕs the one? How do I know
love will last this time? ANSWER: What do you MEAN by the word ŌloveĶ? You have
to know what the word love is for you before you can begin to know if your
partner could be Ōthe one.Ķ Then, for relationships to work, your concepts of
love should coincide, even though they donÕt always have to be identical.
Knowing you
are loved gives you confidence to conquer fears and to reach new heights in the
world.
Real love
develops over time. Because often unconsciously, we base our decisions on love
myths, we commit to a partner because the sex is great or the attraction is
immediate. As a result, sometimes we ignore warning signals of trouble ahead
– often serious trouble, like dishonesty, infidelity, addictions or abuse
– because we believe our love can make them disappear. Or we waste time
and energy PINING FOR OUR ONE TRUE LOVE WHO LOVES US FAR LESS THAT WE DO THEM
because we want the ideal so badly. In other words, we WASTE OUR TIME IN
DEAD-END RELATIONSHIPS. That is NOT what creates a long lasting relationship.
When the
author counsel couples, he/she recommends these 5 requirements of real love:
1.
Real love
develops from being with a person over time.
2.
Real love
requires sharing and supporting one another through happy and sad times.
3.
Real love
requires a combination of using your right brain (emotional feelings about a
person) and your left brain (your logic about whether you are right for each
other), physical attraction, and an intuitive sense of being right for one
another.
4.
Real love
requires QUIETING expectations and romantic images of how it SHOULD BE.
5.
Real love
requires being tuned in to the person, not wanting to be in love so desperately
that you simply cast anybody for the role.
True Love
Test
] The thoughtfulness test: Do you do
special things for each other that show you KNOW AND APPRECIATE YOUR MATEÕS
INTERESTS and characteristics? If she is an artist and he isnÕt, get her art
supplies, or tickets to a play that reflects that you know how interested she
is in the theatre. Gifts should be FOR SOMEONE, not just FROM YOU.
] The Unconditional Love Test: Would you
love me ifÉ DonÕt be afraid to ask it.
] The Security Test: When you are apart, do
you trust your partnerÕs care and faithfulness or do you live in fear and
uncertainty? The latter is UNHEALTHY.
] The Mood Barometer Test: Do you FEEL GOOD
AROUND YOUR MATE (peaceful, alive, excited) or pained (WORRIED, NEGATIVE,
BICKERING, THREATENED, CRITICIZED, DEPRESSED)? Life has enough emotional stress
WITHOUT SUFFERING FROM A MATE.
] The HONESTY Test: Can you speak openly,
or do you have to conceal your thoughts and actions? Telling the truth is KEY
TO FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF and CREATING A SAFE, OPEN, NURTURING AND
TRUSTING RELATIONSHIP.
] The Consideration Test: DOES HE RESPOND
WHEN YOU MAKE A REQUEST THAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO YOU even if it seems
unreasonable in his view? NO, HE DOES NOT. Sometimes lovers need proof of their
devotion in order to maintain TRUST and to feel they are LOVED.
] The Compatibility Test: Do you have
similar values about life and attitudes about your lifestyle, including the
role and importance of family, friends, children, work and sex? Couples can
have independent interests from time to time, as long as the overlap is
mutually agreeable and satisfying.
] The Communication Test: Can you share
your deepest fears and dreams and feel HEARD, UNERSTOOD, and appreciated?
Talking together is KEY to a good relationship.
] The Commitment Test: Do you both have a strong
desire to make the relationship last and to WORK OUT YOUR DISAGREEMENTS,
despite the normal stresses and strains that life brings?
FOR ME WRITTEN BY ME -
GOAL: consistent easy-going enjoyable companionship
MUSTS:
HANGING OUT TOGETHER W/FRIENDS and family, shows that it is actually a relationship and not just a mirage. The other half of the couple doesn't pretend to be single, flirt with, hit on, check out, etc others, then pretend to be in love!
BIGGEST NO-NO IN MY BOOK:
LYING IS THE WORST THING ANYONE COULD DO TO ANOTHER PERSON. IT IS WORSE THAN CHEATING BECAUSE, the other person's choices are stolen from them, so that they are manipulated into making choices based on lies, one-sided toward the liar's benefit. That is a form of abuse. We are who we are. It's that simple. Be true to yourself and others. Trust is EARNED through consistent good behavior.
When 2 adults date after lifetimes of living separate lives, people should EXPECT it to be hard. Unity takes time, trial & error to build a strong foundation.We SHOULD be able to hold each other when storms come remaining strong as a steadfast TEAM.
As a team,we should practice -
The TEAM-ings:
TALK-ing
ACCEPT-ing
FORGIVE-ing
LOVE-ing
ENJOY-ing
each other.
I'm careful who I let into my inner circle = I CHECK REFERENCES. People offer resumes, legal documents, and blood testing to go to work for someone, but not to be intimate! That's insane. I check references and expect to know everything I SHOULD know about the man I give my time, my trust, and eventually my heart and then MYSELF to. I DO come with EXCELLENT references.
We should make each other feel sexy and compliment each other, build each other up, so that we can conquer the world.